Teach a girl...

You have heard the saying "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."  

I believe in it.

So you were probably encouraged by my last post about Haley dressing herself for three days straight.  Well, I hope you didn't get too excited, because you are probably going to be disappointed.

I got excited.

After the outfit that Haley put together Monday morning I got to thinking about what she might dress herself in to school the next day.  I thought that if she put on something that I didn't think would be appropriate for school it would be very discouraging for her if I told her to change.  

So I ran upstairs on Monday afternoon and I rearranged her dresser drawers.   

They were a complete mess anyway.  I pulled out all of the questionable clothes.  The tops that would need a layering piece because they might be too thin, had spaghetti straps or were too low cut.  The tops that were too short in the midriff.  The tops that just didn't fit her anymore.  

I carefully laid out her tops in her dresser drawers so that she could easily pick one without having to rummage.

Her short sleeved tops drawer.

Her long sleeved tops drawer.

Her sweaters, button up shirts and hoodies.

I didn't tell her until the next morning when we went upstairs to get her dressed.  I opened the drawers and explained to her what I had done.  I don't think she was too excited.  I actually got the feeling that she really didn't want to go to school.  At least she sure didn't care about getting dressed.  

She jabbed her finger at the topmost t-shirt in the top-most drawer.  I opened her pants drawer and she jabbed her finger at the top-most pair of pants.  Then she plopped down on the bed and refused to do anything.  She didn't even assist me as I assisted her.  It was very disappointing.

The next day wasn't much better. 

It wasn't much better all week.  

She did seem to be more interested in putting her outfits together as the week went on, but she was not interested in getting herself dressed and she certainly didn't do it on her own like she had on the weekend.

I decided that if she at least got herself dressed today that would be something.  There wouldn't be the rush to get ready like there is on a school day.  I had to leave the house fairly early to take her Big Sis to the dentist and when I left she was still in her pajamas.

When we got home she came running into the entry to show me what she was wearing.

Guess what!

She was wearing the same outfit she had worn the previous weekend.  The same purple top that her sister had given her that she had gotten at the Zoo. Of course by now I had washed it.

I said "Haley, did you get dressed all by yourself?"  

She said "Yeah."  

Her Dad peeked his head over the upstairs railing and said "She needed some encouragement, but she did pick it out and she did dress herself." 

I said "Woo!  Hoo!  Good job Haley!" and I gave her a big hug.

Haley likes her clothes.  She likes to layer.  The one constant all week, including the weekend that she dressed herself, is that she likes to change her outer layer.  She wore four different tops over the purple t-shirt last weekend, a sweater and three different hoodies.  Each day this week she would start out in a hoodie and then go upstairs and change into a sweater or another hoodie.  Yesterday she put a long sleeved white t-shirt with grey stripes over a black t-shirt with fluorescent lettering on it.  

Just now she came in to the kitchen wearing a white long sleeved t-shirt over the purple t-shirt she was wearing.

She can dress herself.  

She does dress herself.

So...

Teach a girl to dress herself and you never know when she will get dressed, what she will wear or when or how often she will change.

I Am Bustin' with Pride

We spent the weekend at my husband's parent's house.  Haley's Grandma and Grandpa's.  It was a very laid back visit.  We basically spent the entire weekend eating the amazing food that Grandma made and putting together jigsaw puzzles.

I lounged around in comfy track suits.  Haley's Big Sis wore pajamas.

Haley rocked yoga pants and a t-shirt.

It was her decision.  It was her doing.  I had nothing at all to do with it.

Saturday morning we had eaten breakfast and were just sitting at the table talking.  Haley got up and went upstairs.  A little while later she came back down. 

Dressed. 

Her sister was still in bed.  I went up and asked her if she had helped her.  She hadn't.  She did say she watched though.  Haley did it all by herself.  Bra and everything.

A little while later she went back upstairs and came back down with some socks.  She brought them to her Dad and he put them on her feet.

Sunday morning was much the same.  No one said anything to her, she disappeared up the stairs shortly after breakfast and then came back down wearing the same yoga pants and t-shirt she had worn the day before.  She threw her socks on the floor in the middle of the living room and sat down on Grandma and Grandpa's lounger. 

We all looked at each other and smiled. 

I asked her if she needed help with her socks.  She said "Yeah."  So I put her socks on her.

Her Grandma and I talked about the likelihood that she would dress herself again on Monday.  I thought it was interesting that, although we were both duly impressed, our assumption was that once she was back in familiar surroundings she would revert to her old ways. 

We were wrong.

We got home late Sunday night and went right to bed.  This morning we all slept in.  Once we were up, we were just hanging out in our pajamas.  Haley had a bowl of cereal and then she watched YouTube videos on her laptop.  When her sister came down about an hour or so later she asked her if she wanted French Toast. Haley said "Yeah."  So Big Sis made them both French Toast. 

After they were done eating Haley started to walk out of the kitchen.  She turned to me and gave me a half wave over her shoulder.  I waved back.

A little while later she came back in to the kitchen, dressed.  She was wearing a different pair of yoga pants and a white camisole.  In her right hand was a pair of pink socks and her left hand was poised for a high five.  I gave her one and helped her put her socks on.  She went back to the laptop.  A little while later she left the room and then came back in wearing a pink sweater.  She put her hand up to me as she passed in what appeared to be a high five that didn't really need a response. 

She knew she was good.

I am so proud.

How Do You Feel?

School started.  Leaves fell.  The weather turned.  Rain started falling. 

Germs entered our house.

All four of us have been sick.  Ill.  Slight sore throats, runny stuffy noses, general malaise... just not right.

Not all at once mind you.  One after another. 

A constant run-on sentence of discontent.  I am so over it!

Anyway, as the weather changes our needs change.  The clothes we wear have more;  longer pant legs, longer sleeves, thicker fabric and layers.  For some of us that transition comes naturally. 

Some of us need a little help.

Haley doesn't seem to know how she feels.  She has a high tolerance for pain, we have known that for a long time.  We found out the hard way.  Apparently she also has a high tolerance for discomfort.  Remember when your Mom would say "Put a sweater on, I'm cold." 

It is just like that.  If I am cold I assume she is and I dress her accordingly.

She wore sandals all summer.  She didn't wear socks.  Most of the time she wore shorts, but even when she wore long pants she didn't wear socks.  So lately she is running around the house without socks and I am cold. 

So I say "Haley, do you want some socks on?"

"Yeah."

So I put socks on her.  Otherwise she would have gone without socks all day.  If I am cold I put a sweater on her.  Most of the time she leaves it on.  Sometimes she takes it off.  There are times when she has gotten a sweater or jacket out of her drawer and put it on by herself, or asked for help with it.

I assume she feels cool, but maybe she just likes the sweater.

Last night Haley's pull-up leaked.  Her pants were a little wet.  I looked at the clock and realized that it was pretty close to her bed time.  Her Big Sis runs around the house all of the time in pajama bottoms and so do I on occasion (especially when I am sick.)  I thought they would be easier for her to put on than pants, so I told her to go upstairs and put on pajama bottoms.

She did that, but there were some other changes too.  Haley is a creature of habit.  Some processes don't change.  So in her mind if she was putting on pajamas other things had to happen.

She had taken off her glasses and her socks.

She does that before she goes to bed.  When pajamas go on glasses come off.  She will not wear socks to bed, so the socks came off too. It didn't matter that she would be up another hour or so. 

That is just the way it is.

So there she is without socks again.  And I am freezing...

So soft...

When we visited Grandma and Grandpa a while back Haley's Grandma gave me a top and a sweater.  She didn't specify why she didn't want them she just told me if I wanted them that was great and if I didn't she wouldn't be offended.

I took them home and tried them on.

They both fit, but they really weren't my style.

I had a feeling that they would be someone's style, however.  Haley's.

I put them in her room and waited.  Sure enough, a little while later she brought me the sweater.  She stood there holding it with a question on her face.  I told her that it was from her Grandma and she immediately wanted to put it on.  She rubbed the sleeve and declared that it was "So soft!"

I mentioned that it smelled nice, it still smelled like Grandma. 

That did it.

That sweater became the most important article of clothing that Haley owns.  That is saying a lot, because Haley loves clothes.  Haley also has a drawer full of t-shirts depticting her favorite trains and steam engines and yet this sweater is her favorite.

She wants to wear it all of the time.  Even when it is not appropriate.  I hate seeing her walking around in a sweater when it is 80 degrees, but she does it.

As soon as she comes home from school she gets the sweater and puts it on.  Then she walks around rubbing the sleeve up and down saying "So soft..." and "Smells good..." even though it has been washed numerous times and no longer smells like Grandma.

One day Haley's Big Sis asked me why I don't put the sweater on her to go to school.  I hadn't really thought about it, but I really didn't really have an answer for her.  So the next day I made sure that Haley's outfit would coordinate with the sweater and I put it on her.  I buttoned the top button and sent her to school.

She came home with the sweater still on, even though it was very warm.  I realized that I should write this post about the sweater (Grandma doesn't know yet how important it has become) and I wanted to take a picture of Haley in it.  Haley was not in the mood to get her picture taken, but I got one smile.

This is Haley rubbing the sleeve.

She wanted to wear it again the next day.  She picked out a shirt that went pretty well with it so I let her.  She wanted it buttoned all the way up.  When she came home it was really too warm to wear it and I tried to explain that to her.  She wouldn't take it off.

A little while later she came up to me and patted her stomach proudly.  I could not figure out what she was trying to tell me.  She wanted me to follow her.  I did.  She pointed to the sweater on the chair and patted her tummy again.  I realized that she was trying to show me that she had taken the sweater off.

"Oh, you took the sweater off?  Is that more comfortable?"

"Yeah, better." she said.

Luckily Haley wanted to wear something else this morning. 

The other top that we got from Grandma.

Mama does not dress her funny

"I am not sure that Haley should dress herself," her Big Sis said.

She has a point.

I have made it my mission for Haley to look good since she was very small.  Of course, how a baby dresses is entirely up to it's parents.  Then when they are toddling around they are still very much looking the way that their parents want, mainly because they are still buying their clothes.  At a certain age kids learn to dress themselves and they also learn the combinations that they like.  That is a fun stage. 

I have seen a little girl wearing a cowboy hat, striped tights, rain boots and a tutu.

Not Haley though.  I have dressed her for most of her life.  Literally. 

She has only recently learned to dress herself and she still has some issues with it.  I made an effort last year to purchase only elastic waist pants for her so that it would be easier. 

She is very interested in fashion and she is a bit of a clothes horse. 

She has an advantage too.  She has gotten hand-me-downs from her Big Sis all her life and Big Sis has pretty good taste.  I have had to nix a few things before they made it from her room in to Haley's room though.  Namely things that didn't really fit, things that bordered on inappropriate for her - age wise, and things that just didn't seem like Haley.

Haley started picking out her own clothes many years ago.  I would open the "top" drawer of her dresser and ask her to pick a top or I would ask her if she wanted to wear pants or shorts.  After those decisions were made I would finish putting an outfit together.  I would make sure it matched.

I decided a long time ago that Haley would always look good.

My child would not have; a snotty nose, dirty clothes, disheveled hair, food on her face, messy glasses or clothes that don't fit.  She is at a disadvantage in life already.  I was not about to handicap her any further by allowing her to look like she was not cared for.  I wanted her to look good.  To look loved.

I am sure you have seen kids that don't look loved.  They walk around looking like no one cares what they look like.  That was not the way my child would look.  I care.

Haley doesn't.

If an outfit came to her as an outfit she will keep it that way, but if clothes come to her as separates that is how she treats them.  She is usually kind of picky about the top.  Then she opens her "bottoms" drawer and pulls something out.  It might not match.  It might not go.  It might really clash.

Sometimes I let her wear it - on the weekend - or - in the summer - if we are not going anywhere.  A lot of times bottoms don't make it the whole day anyway. 

If we are going somewhere I gently suggest a different choice.  I don't make a big deal out of it.

Today Haley was standing at her bedroom door when I came out of my bedroom.  I asked her if she was going to get dressed.  She said "Yeah."  I told her I would help her with her bra and then she could get dressed.  I did that and then I went back in to my bedroom.  A little while later I walked in to her room and she was on her knees with her face on her bed.  She heard me come in and looked up at me.  She seemed a little upset. 

"Do you need help with your shorts?" I said. 

"Yeah."

They had a zipper and a button that needed to be done up.  I did that and then I looked over at her bed.  A shirt was on the bed that did not go with the shorts.  It was another pattern and another color. 

I said "Haley, you have a nice blue shirt that looks really good with those shorts, lets get that one for you." 

She let me.  She doesn't care.  I do.

My Wish Granted

Bra buying sucks. You try on so many just to find one that makes you look normal. One that covers. Lifts. Separates. I have spent hours in dressing rooms searching for myself.

Then I have a daughter like Haley.

Imagine you are young. You don't need padding. You don't need push up. You don't need plunge. You just need something that keeps you under control.

You DO NOT need to be sexy!

Imagine that you really can't stand scratchy fabric. You really can't stand labels, never mind wires.

And you have no way of communicating to your mother whether something feels right or not.

Haley has been wearing a sports bra for the last couple of years. I chose the sports bra because it was easier to put on her than something with a clasp in the back. She would never be able clasp or unclasp a regular bra. Also most of the bras that I tried on her just didn't cut it as far as support.

I have worn a sports bra. They are not exactly comfortable. It would be nice if she could put it on and take it off herself, but sports bras are very unforgiving, they are tight.

One of the nights that I was travelling to Montana to visit my sister and her new baby I was watching television and I saw an infomercial for the Genie Bra.

I did something that I don't normally do.

I bought one right then and there.

I don't know if you have seen it or not, but it was an answer to my prayers.

According to the ad this what the Genie Bra offers:

• Woven everlast comfort stretch fabric.
• Magic pouch to slip in support pads for extra lift and coverage.
• Form-fitting seamless construction.
• No wires or hooks.
• Wide comfort lift band.
• Machine washable.

What all women wish for.

Well, maybe not all women, but Haley and I did.

Apparently they are very popular because after waiting for months my order has finally arrived.

The Genie Bra is all it claims to be. At least for Haley. It is soft and smooth. It fits her great. It is easier to get over her head than the sports bra is and I bet that she will be able to take it off by herself, if not put it on as well.

So if you know someone, like Haley, that needs a bra that does what it should and doesn't do what it shouldn't send them this way.

New Clothes

I asked Haley's Big Sis to go through her closet and find some clothes that she doesn't wear anymore because ARC is coming to pick up the clothes I have been collecting.  I thought we might as well make it a paying trip for them. 

I am going to pause now to let you know that we always take our used clothes to the ARC.  They support programs for kids like Haley.  The items are sold at the Value Village and the money goes to a worthy cause.

Anyway.  Haley came in to her sister's room and saw the pile of clothes on the floor.  She heard her sister and I talking about the clothes and she just stood there looking at us. 

I know my daughter.  She didn't have to say anything.  She wanted those clothes.

I picked up the pile of clothes and she reached out for them.  I handed them to her and that was that.  She was able to put one of the shirts on by herself and she wore it the rest of the night.

This morning after breakfast I told her it was time to get dressed.  I didn't have to tell her twice, she stood right up and headed up the stairs.  I started to follow her and I said "That was quick, do you have an outfit in mind?" and she said "Guitars. Gray."  I knew exactly what she was talking about.  There was a gray shirt with guitars on it in that pile from her sister's room.

We got her dressed and she was really excited. 

I hope she can pay attention in school today.  Her Dad and I met with her teacher on Monday night and one of the things we talked about was how much she likes to show off her clothes and discuss what she is wearing.  Apparently it is difficult to get her to concentrate on her schoolwork because she wants to talk about her clothes.

Here I was thinking that she and her sister had such different tastes.  I guess I was wrong about that.

Hand Me Down

I have been going through my closet lately.  Actually the truth is this: we got a new TV. 

The new TV needed a new TV stand.  I didn't want to get rid of the piece of beautiful oak furniture that the old TV was on so after many days of thinking about it we moved it upstairs.  We moved the dresser that was upstairs downstairs and I had to find new homes for all of the clothes that were in the dresser.  I made a big pile of clothes that I don't wear anymore, for various reasons. 

As I was putting those clothes in to sacks to donate I was folding a pair of pants and thought that they just might fit Haley.  After all, she wore one of my dresses for Halloween and it didn't need to be hemmed, maybe my pants wouldn't need to be hemmed either.

Haley is getting tall.  She passed up both of her Grandmas at the beginning of the year and we have noticed several times recently that she is taller than her Big Sis.  Her Big Sis thinks it is her curly hair that makes the difference, but I don't think so.  I wouldn't be surprised if she passes me up soon.

So yesterday morning when I was getting her dressed I tried my pants on her.  They fit.  They were just a little baggy, but the elastic is really good.  That is actually why I was willing to give them up.  The elastic was a problem for me, but not for her.  They weren't at all too long.  In fact I am sure she will grow out of them lengthwise long before they will "fit" her.

So now I think that I will go through those sacks and see if there are some other things that I could try on her.

Over the years Haley has worn some of her sister's hand-me-downs but there came a time not to long ago that they were basically the same size.  Then there came a time when her Big Sis's pants were too short and too big around for her at the same time.  She still hands down the occasional shirt, but they have very different styles.

So now she will get hand-me-downs from me.  Weird. 

Haley's Big Sis sometimes borrows my tops and jackets and Haley likes to go through my closet and look at my clothes.  Soon she will start wanting to wear them. 

I guess this is what comes with having teenagers.

Nobody's Perfect

I am a perfectionist.  It is like a curse.  I want everything to go just right, but of course it doesn't.  It can be frustrating, but I am aware that nobody is perfect. It is obviously very frustrating for Haley too. 

My daughter has difficulty with her fingers sometimes.  She has had occupational therapy since she was very small.  They tried to teach her to use her fingers.  They tried to get her to write, to cut with scissors, to stack small blocks.  The thing is that she knows how things are supposed to be and she knows that she can't do it just right.  My daughter is a perfectionist with an imperfect body.

She gets very upset when she spills food or drinks.  I don't mean a big splattered mess, I mean a tiny drop on the table.  It makes her very cranky and life cannot continue until it is cleaned up.  There was a time when she would just whine and cry until I did it, but it has been nice lately that she will get a napkin and dab it up herself.  She still grunts and fusses, but she doesn't expect me to do it anymore.  Well on a good day anyway.

I have been trying to teach her to dress herself lately.  It is something that she has never had any interest in.  She does take her jackets off and occasionally she will put one on.  She learned how to do that in school.  I love it when she comes down the stairs with a jacket or sweater on that I did not put on her.

We are starting with her underwear.  She wears pull-ups because she has not been fully potty trained yet (subject for another day) but at school they keep her in underwear and take her quite often.  I dress her in the morning in pull-ups because she has a fairly long bus ride.  We put underwear over them so that they can remove the pull-ups at school.  We get the kind with Velcro on the sides.  She does really well with the underwear, but she has difficulty maneuvering her long legs and those unruly toes.  She gets frustrated.  She sometimes tries to give up, but I don't let her.  She grunts and stops.  It takes all of my will not to just reach over and help her, but instead I just keep encouraging her calmly.

So that is probably part of the reason that she still doesn't dress herself.  If it is not going well or right I take over and do it myself.  Maybe that is the reason that she doesn't do a lot of things on her own.  I am a perfectionist.