Sometimes I feel like a slave. Or a short order cook. Or something.
When Haley is home and awake I am at her beck and call. If she wants something to eat or drink she comes to me. It doesn't matter who else is home. Who else is sitting right next to her. She comes to me.
Lately I have been trying to get her to do more for herself.
The other night she wanted some juice. It was getting pretty close to bedtime and I really didn't want her having another glass of anything.
I said No.
She whined, like she does. Then I said "If you are thirsty get a glass out of the cupboard and put some water in it."
I got a grunt.
So I walked up behind her and I showed her where the glasses are kept in the cupboard.
She knew that already.
Then I showed her how to turn on the water.
She knew that already.
Then I showed her how to hold the glass under the water.
She knew that already.
I said "See, you have a drink of water."
Well, apparently that was all it took.
The next time she wanted a glass of juice and I didn't want her to have one I said "Get yourself a glass of water." And she did it. She has done it about four times in the last week or so.
Just a few minutes ago I heard her go to the cupboard and get a glass. She got herself a drink of water. She didn't ask me for anything.
She just did it.
I am so proud of her right now. She can take care of business.
I should have known that already.
Showing posts with label Growing Up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Growing Up. Show all posts
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
I Am Bustin' with Pride
We spent the weekend at my husband's parent's house. Haley's Grandma and Grandpa's. It was a very laid back visit. We basically spent the entire weekend eating the amazing food that Grandma made and putting together jigsaw puzzles.
I lounged around in comfy track suits. Haley's Big Sis wore pajamas.
Haley rocked yoga pants and a t-shirt.
It was her decision. It was her doing. I had nothing at all to do with it.
Saturday morning we had eaten breakfast and were just sitting at the table talking. Haley got up and went upstairs. A little while later she came back down.
Dressed.
Her sister was still in bed. I went up and asked her if she had helped her. She hadn't. She did say she watched though. Haley did it all by herself. Bra and everything.
A little while later she went back upstairs and came back down with some socks. She brought them to her Dad and he put them on her feet.
Sunday morning was much the same. No one said anything to her, she disappeared up the stairs shortly after breakfast and then came back down wearing the same yoga pants and t-shirt she had worn the day before. She threw her socks on the floor in the middle of the living room and sat down on Grandma and Grandpa's lounger.
We all looked at each other and smiled.
I asked her if she needed help with her socks. She said "Yeah." So I put her socks on her.
Her Grandma and I talked about the likelihood that she would dress herself again on Monday. I thought it was interesting that, although we were both duly impressed, our assumption was that once she was back in familiar surroundings she would revert to her old ways.
We were wrong.
We got home late Sunday night and went right to bed. This morning we all slept in. Once we were up, we were just hanging out in our pajamas. Haley had a bowl of cereal and then she watched YouTube videos on her laptop. When her sister came down about an hour or so later she asked her if she wanted French Toast. Haley said "Yeah." So Big Sis made them both French Toast.
After they were done eating Haley started to walk out of the kitchen. She turned to me and gave me a half wave over her shoulder. I waved back.
A little while later she came back in to the kitchen, dressed. She was wearing a different pair of yoga pants and a white camisole. In her right hand was a pair of pink socks and her left hand was poised for a high five. I gave her one and helped her put her socks on. She went back to the laptop. A little while later she left the room and then came back in wearing a pink sweater. She put her hand up to me as she passed in what appeared to be a high five that didn't really need a response.
She knew she was good.
I am so proud.
Friday, August 26, 2011
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Holding a small child's hand can be difficult.
You hold their hand to keep them safe, like when you are crossing the street and all they want to do is run.
You hold their hand to pull them the direction that you want to go while they are frantically pulling in the opposite direction.
Sometimes those little fingers slip out of your hand because they are small, or wriggly, or slimy or because they are a good two to three feet lower than your hand comfortably hangs.
Holding a teenagers hand is something that few parents get to do. Teenagers only hold other teenager's hands.
I still hold Haley's hand.
When we are crossing the street. When we are walking through parking lots. When we are at the grocery store or the mall. When we are going up or down a flight of stairs.
She is almost my height now so our hands naturally hang down at about the same level. Our hands are about the same size, so they fit. I don't feel like I am holding her fingers anymore. Our palms touch. Her fingers curl around mine. She actually holds my hand. She doesn't try to pull away.
If it seems safe and if it seems like she will keep up with me I let her walk on her own now. I am trying to let her be more independent. She will reach out and take my hand. Sometimes it feels like it is out of habit and sometimes it feels like she wants to.
We went for a walk with Grandma and Grandpa when we were staying at their house last weekend. The roads that we were walking on were fairly busy so I held her hand most of the time. We walked on a side road for a while that wasn't very busy so I let go. It was warm and her hand was sweaty.
When we walk I sometimes have to pull her along. It gets really tiring, especially if we are walking up hills. Who am I kidding? It just gets really tiring.
So she would walk along on her own for a while and then she would sidle up to me and take my hand.
I like to hold Haley's hand these days. It's different from holding her hand when she was little. I am not holding her hand, we are holding each other's hands.
It is a comfortable feeling.
The other night the whole family was sitting in the living room watching television. Haley's Dad and Big Sis were sitting on one couch and I was sitting on the other with Haley. Haley reached over and slid her hand into mine.
We sat like that for quite a while, just holding hands.
It was nice.
You hold their hand to keep them safe, like when you are crossing the street and all they want to do is run.
You hold their hand to pull them the direction that you want to go while they are frantically pulling in the opposite direction.
Sometimes those little fingers slip out of your hand because they are small, or wriggly, or slimy or because they are a good two to three feet lower than your hand comfortably hangs.
Holding a teenagers hand is something that few parents get to do. Teenagers only hold other teenager's hands.
I still hold Haley's hand.
When we are crossing the street. When we are walking through parking lots. When we are at the grocery store or the mall. When we are going up or down a flight of stairs.
She is almost my height now so our hands naturally hang down at about the same level. Our hands are about the same size, so they fit. I don't feel like I am holding her fingers anymore. Our palms touch. Her fingers curl around mine. She actually holds my hand. She doesn't try to pull away.
If it seems safe and if it seems like she will keep up with me I let her walk on her own now. I am trying to let her be more independent. She will reach out and take my hand. Sometimes it feels like it is out of habit and sometimes it feels like she wants to.
We went for a walk with Grandma and Grandpa when we were staying at their house last weekend. The roads that we were walking on were fairly busy so I held her hand most of the time. We walked on a side road for a while that wasn't very busy so I let go. It was warm and her hand was sweaty.
When we walk I sometimes have to pull her along. It gets really tiring, especially if we are walking up hills. Who am I kidding? It just gets really tiring.
So she would walk along on her own for a while and then she would sidle up to me and take my hand.
I like to hold Haley's hand these days. It's different from holding her hand when she was little. I am not holding her hand, we are holding each other's hands.
It is a comfortable feeling.
The other night the whole family was sitting in the living room watching television. Haley's Dad and Big Sis were sitting on one couch and I was sitting on the other with Haley. Haley reached over and slid her hand into mine.
We sat like that for quite a while, just holding hands.
It was nice.
Friday, July 1, 2011
What are we saving?
Haley does not do well with the time change, called Daylight Saving Time. She is maturing though, she wasn't quite as bad this year as she has been in the past.
When she was little it meant weeks of screaming and crying at bedtime. It meant she wouldn't sleep through the night. It meant I didn't get enough sleep and therefore was not equipped to deal properly with my unhappy child.
Routine is very important for Haley. I always put her to bed at 9:00 pm - always - not only for her sake, but for my own as well. Several times this spring when we were walking up the stairs to her bedroom she would point out the window. Sometimes she does this and says "Dark. Night." I always assumes that means that she is agreeing with me. Yes, I am going to bed now because it is dark.
She didn't say "Dark. Night." She just pointed out the window. I said something benign like "It was a nice day today wasn't it?", or "Do you see the pretty trees?"
After about the third day I realized she was pointing out the window because she was probably thinking to herself, Why am I going to bed it is not even dark yet?
Morning is worse though.
Haley is up at the crack of dawn. Literally. When the light comes in her window she is up. For a while there that meant 4:30 am. It was driving me crazy. I remembered a curtain panel that I had bought, but never used one night and hooked it to her curtains with clothes pins.
We magically got two extra hours of sleep that night.
The curtain also helps her to go to bed at night. When I close her bedroom door it is actually very dark in her room. She is no longer getting up and coming back downstairs. Now I just need to bite the bullet and buy some actual room darkening shades.
I now know that they will be worth it.
When she was little it meant weeks of screaming and crying at bedtime. It meant she wouldn't sleep through the night. It meant I didn't get enough sleep and therefore was not equipped to deal properly with my unhappy child.
Routine is very important for Haley. I always put her to bed at 9:00 pm - always - not only for her sake, but for my own as well. Several times this spring when we were walking up the stairs to her bedroom she would point out the window. Sometimes she does this and says "Dark. Night." I always assumes that means that she is agreeing with me. Yes, I am going to bed now because it is dark.
She didn't say "Dark. Night." She just pointed out the window. I said something benign like "It was a nice day today wasn't it?", or "Do you see the pretty trees?"
After about the third day I realized she was pointing out the window because she was probably thinking to herself, Why am I going to bed it is not even dark yet?
Morning is worse though.
Haley is up at the crack of dawn. Literally. When the light comes in her window she is up. For a while there that meant 4:30 am. It was driving me crazy. I remembered a curtain panel that I had bought, but never used one night and hooked it to her curtains with clothes pins.
We magically got two extra hours of sleep that night.
The curtain also helps her to go to bed at night. When I close her bedroom door it is actually very dark in her room. She is no longer getting up and coming back downstairs. Now I just need to bite the bullet and buy some actual room darkening shades.
I now know that they will be worth it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
18 and Life
Last night my husband and I went to another class in the Transition Series to learn about Trusts and Guardianships. Haley's Big Sis was at Drivers Ed so Haley came with us.
She was very good, she sat there quietly. She was interested in the presentation and the materials they handed out. She brought a purse full of animals. She even got cookies.
We learned a lot last night.
When Haley turns 18 things will change. 18 is a big age for anyone, but for Haley it will mean that we will have to become her Guardians because apparently it won't be enough that we are her parents. There is a lot of legal stuff that goes on, it seems kind of strange at this point. I understand the benefits and I understand the need to protect her. Of course we will still care for her, but in the eyes of the world when she reaches that age she will become an adult.
The wording is interesting:
It is hard for me to imagine a time when we will not completely responsible for our daughter. Especially the way she is. She relies on us completely. She would not survive without us.
That sounds like our daughter.
She will be 18 in a little over four years. It seems like a lifetime away.
I know that everything we are learning about is intended to protect her. I know it is all in her best interest.
The Trust is a great thing. The people that manage the Trust are doing a wonderful job. They are there to protect their clients.
It is all good.
As we pulled out of the parking lot my husband and I were talking about what all of this means to us. It is very strange. He says we have plenty of time to make these decisions.
I feel like we don't
It feels immediate to me. I don't know why.
Knowledge is power, but at the same time the more I learn the more concerned I become.
She was very good, she sat there quietly. She was interested in the presentation and the materials they handed out. She brought a purse full of animals. She even got cookies.
We learned a lot last night.
When Haley turns 18 things will change. 18 is a big age for anyone, but for Haley it will mean that we will have to become her Guardians because apparently it won't be enough that we are her parents. There is a lot of legal stuff that goes on, it seems kind of strange at this point. I understand the benefits and I understand the need to protect her. Of course we will still care for her, but in the eyes of the world when she reaches that age she will become an adult.
The wording is interesting:
"Adults are presumed competent to make decisions after age 18. After age 18, parents no longer have legal authority to make decisions for a child unless there is a guardianship."The Guardianship will protect the child concerning:
- medical treatment and care
- financial exploitation
- if the child becomes involved in the legal system
It is hard for me to imagine a time when we will not completely responsible for our daughter. Especially the way she is. She relies on us completely. She would not survive without us.
A guardian is a person appointed by the Court to manage the affairs of a person who is incapacitated.
An incapacitated person is one who is at significant risk of harm because of a demonstrated inability to manage property or financial affairs or because of a demonstrated inability to adequately provide for nutrition, health, housing or physical safety.
That sounds like our daughter.
She will be 18 in a little over four years. It seems like a lifetime away.
I know that everything we are learning about is intended to protect her. I know it is all in her best interest.
The Trust is a great thing. The people that manage the Trust are doing a wonderful job. They are there to protect their clients.
It is all good.
As we pulled out of the parking lot my husband and I were talking about what all of this means to us. It is very strange. He says we have plenty of time to make these decisions.
I feel like we don't
It feels immediate to me. I don't know why.
Knowledge is power, but at the same time the more I learn the more concerned I become.
Monday, March 14, 2011
What is Normal?
Haley is slowly returning to herself. Getting back to normal.
She stayed home from school for three days last week with a cold.
It started as a runny nose and a cough. Then it became a quiet sad little girl and a cough. Then it became a somewhat noisier little girl with an attitude and a cough. Now it is a teenager who is almost back to her normal happy self and a cough.
My happy child likes to talk... and cough
and laugh... and cough
and make disgusting sounds in her throat... and cough.
She doesn't seem to understand the connection.
She went to school on Friday. Maybe she shouldn't have. I don't know. They said she seemed sleepy.
On Saturday her Big Sis wanted to go to the mall. Haley likes the mall. I asked her if she wanted to go shopping. She said "Yay, shopping!"
I let her lead me around the mall while her Big Sis and her best friend shopped. We went into all of the stores that sell toys, cute little critters and girl clothes. She got a couple of tops and several pairs of pants. She really needed new pants. I think she has grown another couple of inches.
She was hungry so we went to the food court. She got her "usual" at Panda Express.
We had a nice day.
Haley's Big Sis is learning to drive. I have been taking her out, or should I say, she has been driving me all around town, for the last couple of weeks. She drove to the mall. Haley didn't seem to think it was unusual to have her sister driving and her Mom in the passenger seat.
Yesterday we wanted to go to IKEA. Her Dad and I and her sister were talking about what was involved in driving to IKEA. We were all ready to go with our shoes and coats on standing in the garage, talking. We were trying to decide if Haley's Big Sis was ready to drive across the state line.
Haley was impatient.
She started to get into my car (by the way, I am so proud of her that she can open the car door and get in by herself.)
We all stopped talking and her Dad told her that we were taking the Yukon. She shut the car door, opened the Yukon door and got in and shut the door.
We all just looked at each other.
Haley usually sits in the seat behind the driver. That is just the way it is. It is easier to get her in and out of the car that way. She got in on the passenger side because that was the side she was on, I guess.
We decided that her sister wasn't quite ready for the drive we were about to take, but we thought that she should ride shotgun so she could at least see what was involved. So I got in behind the driver (Haley's Dad.)
It was like musical chairs. We were all in the wrong spots. Well, except for her Dad, I guess.
Haley didn't seem to think anything of it.
I think she knew exactly what was going on even though we never took the time to explain it to her.
She amazes me every day.
She stayed home from school for three days last week with a cold.
It started as a runny nose and a cough. Then it became a quiet sad little girl and a cough. Then it became a somewhat noisier little girl with an attitude and a cough. Now it is a teenager who is almost back to her normal happy self and a cough.
My happy child likes to talk... and cough
and laugh... and cough
and make disgusting sounds in her throat... and cough.
She doesn't seem to understand the connection.
She went to school on Friday. Maybe she shouldn't have. I don't know. They said she seemed sleepy.
On Saturday her Big Sis wanted to go to the mall. Haley likes the mall. I asked her if she wanted to go shopping. She said "Yay, shopping!"
I let her lead me around the mall while her Big Sis and her best friend shopped. We went into all of the stores that sell toys, cute little critters and girl clothes. She got a couple of tops and several pairs of pants. She really needed new pants. I think she has grown another couple of inches.
She was hungry so we went to the food court. She got her "usual" at Panda Express.
We had a nice day.
Haley's Big Sis is learning to drive. I have been taking her out, or should I say, she has been driving me all around town, for the last couple of weeks. She drove to the mall. Haley didn't seem to think it was unusual to have her sister driving and her Mom in the passenger seat.
Yesterday we wanted to go to IKEA. Her Dad and I and her sister were talking about what was involved in driving to IKEA. We were all ready to go with our shoes and coats on standing in the garage, talking. We were trying to decide if Haley's Big Sis was ready to drive across the state line.
Haley was impatient.
She started to get into my car (by the way, I am so proud of her that she can open the car door and get in by herself.)
We all stopped talking and her Dad told her that we were taking the Yukon. She shut the car door, opened the Yukon door and got in and shut the door.
We all just looked at each other.
Haley usually sits in the seat behind the driver. That is just the way it is. It is easier to get her in and out of the car that way. She got in on the passenger side because that was the side she was on, I guess.
We decided that her sister wasn't quite ready for the drive we were about to take, but we thought that she should ride shotgun so she could at least see what was involved. So I got in behind the driver (Haley's Dad.)
It was like musical chairs. We were all in the wrong spots. Well, except for her Dad, I guess.
Haley didn't seem to think anything of it.
I think she knew exactly what was going on even though we never took the time to explain it to her.
She amazes me every day.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Baby Steps
The blog post that I wrote yesterday was not the one I intended to write. I guess I needed to write it.
This is the blog post that I meant to write yesterday:
Having been to several classes that were intended to help families and students prepare for life after graduation I have decided that I need to start asking a little more of Haley.
If in fact she may some day be independent or at least be out in our community more she will need some skills that she doesn't yet have.
I never meant for her to be totally dependant on me, it is just the way it has been. I have been caring for her and doing things for her for almost fourteen years. It is a bit hard for me to change at this point.
We try to get Haley to do things on her own, but it isn't easy. She is a perfectionist and she knows how life is supposed to look. It is hard for her to make mistakes, she gets so frustrated. She will try things once and if it isn't just right she will give up. If I keep pushing her she will shut down. That is the way it has always been. Lately she has been having some successes though and it really is gratifying to see that.
She goes through learning spurts just like she goes through growth spurts.
Her teachers have been trying to get her to dress down for PE on her own. They asked me for advice a while back and I suggested to them that if there was a chair that she could sit on while she took off her pants and put them back on that it might help. They tried that and she has been doing really well. I got a note last week that she dressed down for PE completely by herself for the first time.
At home I have been making her use the bathroom by herself. I used to help her. Like a couple of weeks ago, I helped her. I have been backing away and asking her to do everything herself and you know what, she is doing it.
When she wants something to drink she usually brings me the container from the refrigerator. I have talked to her about "using her words" instead for years. Lately she has been. She still brings me the container, but she asks me right away without all of the prompting.
We ran out of juice yesterday and I told her that if she was thirsty she could have water. I got her a glass of water and she drank some and then poured it in the sink. She came to me an hour later and wanted juice again. I told her that we still didn't have any juice, but that she could get some more water. I tried to get her to put the cup under the sink and turn the water on, but she wouldn't do it. I went over and made her do it, hand over hand. She took a sip of the water and spit it out. We have been working on spitting after I brush her teeth, I think those two lessons got a little mixed up.
She likes me to write words on the white board that is on the refrigerator. I have started asking her to write them herself. She recognizes letters so I figure she should be able to write them. This one is a little harder, but she does know how to write her own name, so at least she can write H A L E and Y. I am not giving up on this one. I may be doing it for several years, but I am willing to keep at it.
This is the blog post that I meant to write yesterday:
Having been to several classes that were intended to help families and students prepare for life after graduation I have decided that I need to start asking a little more of Haley.
If in fact she may some day be independent or at least be out in our community more she will need some skills that she doesn't yet have.
I never meant for her to be totally dependant on me, it is just the way it has been. I have been caring for her and doing things for her for almost fourteen years. It is a bit hard for me to change at this point.
We try to get Haley to do things on her own, but it isn't easy. She is a perfectionist and she knows how life is supposed to look. It is hard for her to make mistakes, she gets so frustrated. She will try things once and if it isn't just right she will give up. If I keep pushing her she will shut down. That is the way it has always been. Lately she has been having some successes though and it really is gratifying to see that.
She goes through learning spurts just like she goes through growth spurts.
Her teachers have been trying to get her to dress down for PE on her own. They asked me for advice a while back and I suggested to them that if there was a chair that she could sit on while she took off her pants and put them back on that it might help. They tried that and she has been doing really well. I got a note last week that she dressed down for PE completely by herself for the first time.
At home I have been making her use the bathroom by herself. I used to help her. Like a couple of weeks ago, I helped her. I have been backing away and asking her to do everything herself and you know what, she is doing it.
When she wants something to drink she usually brings me the container from the refrigerator. I have talked to her about "using her words" instead for years. Lately she has been. She still brings me the container, but she asks me right away without all of the prompting.
We ran out of juice yesterday and I told her that if she was thirsty she could have water. I got her a glass of water and she drank some and then poured it in the sink. She came to me an hour later and wanted juice again. I told her that we still didn't have any juice, but that she could get some more water. I tried to get her to put the cup under the sink and turn the water on, but she wouldn't do it. I went over and made her do it, hand over hand. She took a sip of the water and spit it out. We have been working on spitting after I brush her teeth, I think those two lessons got a little mixed up.
She likes me to write words on the white board that is on the refrigerator. I have started asking her to write them herself. She recognizes letters so I figure she should be able to write them. This one is a little harder, but she does know how to write her own name, so at least she can write H A L E and Y. I am not giving up on this one. I may be doing it for several years, but I am willing to keep at it.
This is what the board looks like today.
She wanted me to write Grandpa because she talked to him on the phone last night. I told her to do it and I started to spell it, she started to get mad at me so I helped her write it. Then she wanted to write Heather, I said "H", and she wrote H. I said "E" and she wrote what looked like an A, the next letter is her lower case a, then she got mad and I helped her finish it. Then she wanted Haley and I told her she could write that, and she did. Then she wanted me to write Mommy. I got choked up. That was a first. I wrote Chip and Chelsea for her about fifteen minutes later.
I am letting go. A little at a time. Baby steps.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Letting Go
February was a busy month for me, I packed a lot in. I tried to keep up with this blog during that time and I surprised myself at how well I did that. Now that I am not so busy it has been hard for me to write.
I have been doing a lot of volunteer work for my church, I have been teaching Haley's Big Sis to drive and my husband and I have been attending classes that will help us be better parents to Haley. Not to mention the fact that we added Yoga and Confirmation Classes for Haley this month.
In February my husband and I went to several classes that were put on by different groups to aid families of children with special needs. They were all concentrated in February because some of them had to be postponed from their original dates due to weather. We went to classes on Social Security benefits for people with disabilities and the value of employment for people with disabilities, my husband went to a class put on by a Naturopathic Physician and we just went to a class put on by Haley's first Occupational Therapist and her current Yoga instructor.
We have learned a lot, but what I feel I have learned the most is that I need to start letting go.
Letting go is not something I want to do. I don't want to let go of Haley or her Big Sis. I still feel certain that I will keep Haley with me for as long as possible, but I have heard from other parents and kids that they need the chance to be on their own.
One speaker that we listened to has a son who is now an adult and he does have his own home, but his parents are still very much involved in his life.
He has had many jobs and has learned something from each of them. He has a girlfriend and even though he will not be able to drive, he will soon get a car. At first his parents weren't thrilled with the idea, but he was able to give them a list of the people who would be willing to drive his car for him.
The fun thing is that he loves The Dukes of Hazzard and the General Lee, which is their car. They know someone that can create a General Lee for him and that is thier plan. Can you just imagine his reaction when he sees it? It would be like giving Haley her own personal 4449 steam engine!
His mom talked about the ways that they have been adapting his surroundings, his jobs and his world so that he can be a functioning part of society. He has friends that he does things with, he has a job that occupies his mind, he has money that he can use how he wants.
I don't see Haley living the way he does.
I know I may someday see things differently, but the Mom in me wants to care for her. I know that this young man's Mom still cares for him, but in a different way. She was quick to admit that she still spends sleepless nights worrying about him, but she has let him be who he is.
When people talked about the value of employment what a lot of them said was that as parents we need to create jobs for our kids. There are agencies and services available to help, but it has really been the families that did the creating so that their kids could have meaningful work.
My husband and I have joked that a job that Haley could do would be to test computer games, because if someone could crash a video game it's Haley. If a game designer just watched her play a game I think they would learn a lot about how they could make the game more user friendly not only for kids like Haley, but for anyone.
The other thing I found interesting about listening to other people's stories is the ways that they made life in the world easier for their kids. The young man I have been talking about has different people that do things with him several times a week.
I could see a friend (or someone that we hire) coming to take Haley to the mall, she loves that or someone that can take her to a group yoga session. These are things that I can see happening some time in the future.
Another thing that I realized is that Haley's Big Sis will probably not be around in several years so she is going to need someone that is close to her age to hang out with.
This is not something that I want to think about, but it is something that I need to think about.
The time is coming and soon Haley will be in High School.
Oh my goodness...
I have been doing a lot of volunteer work for my church, I have been teaching Haley's Big Sis to drive and my husband and I have been attending classes that will help us be better parents to Haley. Not to mention the fact that we added Yoga and Confirmation Classes for Haley this month.
In February my husband and I went to several classes that were put on by different groups to aid families of children with special needs. They were all concentrated in February because some of them had to be postponed from their original dates due to weather. We went to classes on Social Security benefits for people with disabilities and the value of employment for people with disabilities, my husband went to a class put on by a Naturopathic Physician and we just went to a class put on by Haley's first Occupational Therapist and her current Yoga instructor.
We have learned a lot, but what I feel I have learned the most is that I need to start letting go.
Letting go is not something I want to do. I don't want to let go of Haley or her Big Sis. I still feel certain that I will keep Haley with me for as long as possible, but I have heard from other parents and kids that they need the chance to be on their own.
One speaker that we listened to has a son who is now an adult and he does have his own home, but his parents are still very much involved in his life.
He has had many jobs and has learned something from each of them. He has a girlfriend and even though he will not be able to drive, he will soon get a car. At first his parents weren't thrilled with the idea, but he was able to give them a list of the people who would be willing to drive his car for him.
The fun thing is that he loves The Dukes of Hazzard and the General Lee, which is their car. They know someone that can create a General Lee for him and that is thier plan. Can you just imagine his reaction when he sees it? It would be like giving Haley her own personal 4449 steam engine!
His mom talked about the ways that they have been adapting his surroundings, his jobs and his world so that he can be a functioning part of society. He has friends that he does things with, he has a job that occupies his mind, he has money that he can use how he wants.
I don't see Haley living the way he does.
I know I may someday see things differently, but the Mom in me wants to care for her. I know that this young man's Mom still cares for him, but in a different way. She was quick to admit that she still spends sleepless nights worrying about him, but she has let him be who he is.
When people talked about the value of employment what a lot of them said was that as parents we need to create jobs for our kids. There are agencies and services available to help, but it has really been the families that did the creating so that their kids could have meaningful work.
My husband and I have joked that a job that Haley could do would be to test computer games, because if someone could crash a video game it's Haley. If a game designer just watched her play a game I think they would learn a lot about how they could make the game more user friendly not only for kids like Haley, but for anyone.
The other thing I found interesting about listening to other people's stories is the ways that they made life in the world easier for their kids. The young man I have been talking about has different people that do things with him several times a week.
I could see a friend (or someone that we hire) coming to take Haley to the mall, she loves that or someone that can take her to a group yoga session. These are things that I can see happening some time in the future.
Another thing that I realized is that Haley's Big Sis will probably not be around in several years so she is going to need someone that is close to her age to hang out with.
This is not something that I want to think about, but it is something that I need to think about.
The time is coming and soon Haley will be in High School.
Oh my goodness...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Purpose of Chores
I often ask myself why I want my child to do chores, especially when it is like pulling teeth to get her to do them.
Do I need the help? Do I think it is unfair that the adults in the house do everything? Am I trying to teach her responsibility?
Yes, yes and yes.
I am not talking about Haley.
We don't expect Haley to do chores. When she does something it is usually out of "the kindness of her heart" and we appreciate that. We have tied chores to a reward. It worked pretty well, but even the reward, although something that she wanted wasn't really the point.
I think Haley is at the age that she wants to help. It makes her feel important. It makes her like one of us.
It makes my day.
Her Big Sis is another story.
One of her jobs is to set the table. We generally eat dinner at the same time every night. There are exceptions to that and when there are I usually let her know. If she has plans to be somewhere at dinner time we let it slide, but if we are all home I expect her to set the table just before dinner. I have even told her that she can set it as soon as she gets home from school, if she wants to get it out of the way. I just want her to do it, because she knows it is her job and it needs to be done. Every night I have to ask her to do it.
I usually have to ask her several times.
The other night Haley came up to me while I was cooking. She looked in each pot and bowl and pan and wanted to know what I was making. I explained our meal to her and I told her that it was almost done. She seemed satisfied and started to walk away.
I said "Can you ask your sister to set the table?"
Her sister was sitting on the couch so I knew that she would hear me, I just thought that it would be a good way for Haley to practice asking someone else for something.
Other than me.
I heard plates rattling in the cupboard and turned around. She didn't ask her sister to set the table. She was going to do it herself.
She tried to pick up a stack of plates. I said "Pick up one at a time, please." She did. She took a plate out of the cupboard and put it on the table and then she came back for the next one. She did that for each plate. When she had put the last plate on the table her sister said "Put the forks on."
Such a helpful child.
Haley went to the silverware drawer and started shuffling the forks around. I said "You only need four forks Haley." She kept shuffling. "Count out four forks." She grabbed all of the forks and walked over to the table. She put a fork next to each plate and then put the rest of the forks back in the drawer.
I said "Thank you Haley."
She said "Good job."
"Yes, you did a very good job."
Do I need the help? Do I think it is unfair that the adults in the house do everything? Am I trying to teach her responsibility?
Yes, yes and yes.
I am not talking about Haley.
We don't expect Haley to do chores. When she does something it is usually out of "the kindness of her heart" and we appreciate that. We have tied chores to a reward. It worked pretty well, but even the reward, although something that she wanted wasn't really the point.
I think Haley is at the age that she wants to help. It makes her feel important. It makes her like one of us.
It makes my day.
Her Big Sis is another story.
One of her jobs is to set the table. We generally eat dinner at the same time every night. There are exceptions to that and when there are I usually let her know. If she has plans to be somewhere at dinner time we let it slide, but if we are all home I expect her to set the table just before dinner. I have even told her that she can set it as soon as she gets home from school, if she wants to get it out of the way. I just want her to do it, because she knows it is her job and it needs to be done. Every night I have to ask her to do it.
I usually have to ask her several times.
The other night Haley came up to me while I was cooking. She looked in each pot and bowl and pan and wanted to know what I was making. I explained our meal to her and I told her that it was almost done. She seemed satisfied and started to walk away.
I said "Can you ask your sister to set the table?"
Her sister was sitting on the couch so I knew that she would hear me, I just thought that it would be a good way for Haley to practice asking someone else for something.
Other than me.
I heard plates rattling in the cupboard and turned around. She didn't ask her sister to set the table. She was going to do it herself.
She tried to pick up a stack of plates. I said "Pick up one at a time, please." She did. She took a plate out of the cupboard and put it on the table and then she came back for the next one. She did that for each plate. When she had put the last plate on the table her sister said "Put the forks on."
Such a helpful child.
Haley went to the silverware drawer and started shuffling the forks around. I said "You only need four forks Haley." She kept shuffling. "Count out four forks." She grabbed all of the forks and walked over to the table. She put a fork next to each plate and then put the rest of the forks back in the drawer.
I said "Thank you Haley."
She said "Good job."
"Yes, you did a very good job."
Friday, January 28, 2011
Manicure
When babies are born they have the most amazing little fingers. They are small and thin and perfect. The nails are so tiny and so perfectly shaped.
I loved to just sit and stare at my babies fingernails.
As they grow their fingers begin to change. They get bigger of course, but they are also less and less fragile. The fingernails keep their shape for a while. Then, when they can crawl and get into things they change again. The nails grow and have to be cut. Dirt gets under them.
My babies' fingers are long and thin, but their nails got short and fat. They became "kid fingernails."
About a year ago something terrible happened.
Haley started chewing on her nails.
Her beautiful baby fingernails turned kid nails became ragged edged.
They became dangerous.
They had to be trimmed, but there wasn't much to trim. They developed hang nails. She chewed on those.
They bled.
I was at my wits end.
Then one day a couple of months ago Haley's Big Sis painted Haley's fingernails. To put it more accurately, she painted the ends of her fingers where her nails should have been.
Haley thought it was the greatest thing in the world. She proudly showed them to everyone. The teachers at school must have "oohed" and "awed." They mentioned them in her note that comes home. It seemed to work. They chipped right away so I repainted them. I did that quite often in the first couple of weeks.
Haley likes her "nails" she likes to hold out her hand and announce what color her nails are.
They have been "RED", "BLUE", "YELLOW", "ORANGE", and "PINK."
She doesn't chew on them anymore. I give her a manicure once a week.
I loved to just sit and stare at my babies fingernails.
As they grow their fingers begin to change. They get bigger of course, but they are also less and less fragile. The fingernails keep their shape for a while. Then, when they can crawl and get into things they change again. The nails grow and have to be cut. Dirt gets under them.
My babies' fingers are long and thin, but their nails got short and fat. They became "kid fingernails."
About a year ago something terrible happened.
Haley started chewing on her nails.
Her beautiful baby fingernails turned kid nails became ragged edged.
They became dangerous.
They had to be trimmed, but there wasn't much to trim. They developed hang nails. She chewed on those.
They bled.
I was at my wits end.
Then one day a couple of months ago Haley's Big Sis painted Haley's fingernails. To put it more accurately, she painted the ends of her fingers where her nails should have been.
Haley thought it was the greatest thing in the world. She proudly showed them to everyone. The teachers at school must have "oohed" and "awed." They mentioned them in her note that comes home. It seemed to work. They chipped right away so I repainted them. I did that quite often in the first couple of weeks.
Haley likes her "nails" she likes to hold out her hand and announce what color her nails are.
They have been "RED", "BLUE", "YELLOW", "ORANGE", and "PINK."
She doesn't chew on them anymore. I give her a manicure once a week.
They grow fast now. They get long. It's great!
They are not so much "kid fingernails" anymore.
They belong to a girl, a teenager, or should I say "a young lady."
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