Friday, December 10, 2010

It's Not All About Her

Haley is shy.  We took her to a Psychiatrist a couple of years ago and that was his diagnosis.  He never mentioned the elephant in the room, her developmental delay, he just said that she was Super Shy.  I know where she gets it.  I am shy.  His theory was that because I am shy and when he was younger her Dad was probably shy that the combination of the two of us shy people made one really shy kid.  The theory doesn't work for her Big Sis, but whatever.

I am shy.

When I meet someone for the first time I am quiet and I might not even look them in the eye.  In the past people have thought that I was aloof.  I don't share my feelings easily, ask anyone that knows me, if I start to talk about myself I turn a bright shade of red and my neck and chest turn three shades of purple.

Once I know someone well I open up.  Some of my friends probably don't think that I am shy, but deep down I am.

Even though this blog is about my daughter, ultimately it is also about me.  I can't write about my daughter without putting a lot of myself into it, especially because what I know about her is filtered through my understanding of her.

I am open in this blog, I am honest.  I may not write about every little thing that happens to us, (obviously since I haven't written a thing in four days) but what I do write about is honest.  I am trying to be more honest in my everyday life as well.

The person I was five years ago would never have been able to write a blog.  I was a different person to everyone who knew me.  It was exhausting.

In the last couple of years I have decided to be who I am, all of the time.  There are people who thought that I had changed, but the truth is that I have always been this person, I just have not always let everyone know that.

It makes life somewhat simpler to be yourself.  I don't try to filter myself for each person I am with.  I let people know what is going on inside of me.  I have friends that read this blog, but I also have friends that don't.  They don't get as much information about Haley and our life together as my readers do, I have to remember that.  I try to share our experiences with them like I do with you. 

It also means that I am honest with my feelings sometimes when people ask me how I am. 

Life is not always easy with a child that has special needs, sometimes it can be really hard.  When people ask me how Haley is doing I usually say that she is doing really well, because she is.  Everyday seems to bring new and exciting changes.  Lately she has really been showing incredible patience.  I think she is learning that when we tell her something is going to happen in the future she can believe us.  That is a great improvement.

I like to share the joys, but sometimes I also share the problems.  People smile and nod and I can tell that they are trying to imagine what it must be like for me, they won't be able to, but I appreciate the fact that they try.

All of this is to say that I haven't been writing for a couple of days because sometimes my everyday life takes over and even if I have time to sit down at the keyboard a cute little story doesn't always come to me. 

I don't try to sugar coat my life for you, my readers, but sometimes it helps if I sugar coat it for myself.

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