Tuesday, August 30, 2011

That Sinking Feeling

Usually at this time of year I start to get excited.  Back to school has been a relief for me in the past.  I don't feel that way this year.  I have a sense of foreboding and dread, deep down inside me.  I don't know why.

It started about a week or so ago.  I just started feeling strange.  I couldn't put my finger on it.  After a couple of days of feeling that way I decided to think about it, I wanted to discover the reason for the feeling.

After much thought; this is what I came up with.

This summer has been fun.  This is the first summer that I didn't feel trapped inside the house trying to entertain my daughter.  I know that sounds horrible, but that is the way my summers usually feel.  I like to be busy and during the summer most of the activities that keep me busy stop. 

I have free time, but for me free time isn't really a good thing.

That didn't happen this summer.  This summer I had something to do almost every day.  I had to take my oldest daughter to the zoo and back twice a week.  I had a part time job twice a week.  I had this blog to think about.  My time was reduced because of those things so I had to become more efficient in other things, like housekeeping. 

And Haley can now entertain herself.

Of course that is the best thing.  That is really the thing that has made the difference.  Even the very rare times that she got to use the wading pool in the back yard were not as big of a deal as they used to be.  It used to be a huge production when she wanted to swim.  This year we put water in the pool, Haley gets into her swimsuit, she splashes for a little while and then she tells me she is done.  Simple.

So, I still didn't know why I feel dread when I think about school starting again.  I will have more time for myself, but I will also have other things to occupy that time.  I don't think it is about me. 

I think it is because Haley is making another transition.  She will be going to a new school, a bigger school, a school with bigger kids.  She will have a new teacher and a whole new set of requirements.  I don't think it will be bad, but I always got nervous when I had to change schools and I actually think I am projecting. 

Haley doesn't know what is happening.  We tell her that she will be going to a different school, we have driven by it, we have gone in and said "This is where you will be going to school this year."  I am not sure she understands and she certainly doesn't dread it.

I guess I am doing that for her.

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